Friday, June 21, 2013

A Fragile Eggshell

This is a picture of my beloved husband taken in 2008 before he was diagnosed with COPD. He holds my heart and words cannot express how deeply I love him or how deeply he loves me. We are two souls joined together by God.

I took this picture in our camper. Oh, how we loved to camp. He would fish during the day and I would sit at the campsite and write. Evenings we'd spend by a campfire, enjoying conversation and sometimes just quiet times.

On Father's Day this past Sunday, he was rushed by squad to the hospital due to severe breathing difficulties. On the way he stopped breathing, but the wonderful paramedics kept him alive. At the hospital, he was diagnosed with pneumonia and a urinary tract infection. With COPD pneumonia can be fatal.

He was moved to intensive care and has been fighting for his life. He is on a ventilator and heavily sedated. Other complications include a decrease in heart function to 15% ejection ratio and a recurrent fever. He had several lethal arrhythmia episodes and lost his pulse, but recovered without needing to be coded. He is in severely critical condition, but continues to remain stable.

Seeing him like this has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I am strong in faith and Jesus has been carrying me most of the time, because I'm not strong enough to walk. My heart is breaking. I describe myself as a fragile eggshell that is beginning to crack. I don't have any place to feel safe now. When I come home to rest, there is something vital missing in the house. But here, where no one can see me, I cry.

My eggshell is beginning to crack and I feel hollow inside...anxious, fearful, and with a hurt that cannot be described.
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Why am I writing this in such a public venue? Because our time together is so short and can be taken away at any moment. For the past three years, I have been my hubby's caregiver. Now he is in the hands of the LORD and the hospital caregivers. While I cling to hope, there is a strong probability that he will never come home with me again. Don't take a moment of time for granted. Let your loved ones know you love them today and every day.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a  For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.

Ecclesiastes 3:4  A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.


2 comments:

Caroline said...

OH, Carol Ann, my heart is breaking w/you. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this, and remember, your friends' prayers will be with you.

May God give you special comfort and wrap his big arms of love around you thru this time.

Shelley Wilburn said...

Bless your heart, Carol Ann. My heart hurts with you. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can cry with you. Please know you have love and support right here through all your friends here. ~ Jesus, please wrap your arms around Carol Ann... also be with her husband, give peace, comfort, and healing, in the name of Jesus!